Cast of Characters (2M/2W)
[For more detail – including spoilers – see page ii, following the script.]
Maury: Maurice Astorfeller – a charming 60-something retired diplomat, former U.S. Ambassador to the Court of St. James’s. Although he has an American accent, his manner is more European.
Hennie: Henrietta Marx Astorfeller – Maury’s wife (and Harpo Marx’s granddaughter), a 60-something classical concert harpist, now retired from world tours. Cultured and equally charming, but more down-to-earth than her husband.
Ben: Benjamin Astorfeller – their 30-something son, a brilliant cyberneticist and inventor. Although a “nerd” by profession, he is relaxed, self-confident, and worldly.
Andie: Andrea Andropopolis – Ben’s fiancée, a 20-something woman with a stiff demeanor and stilted formal speech, at least for most of the play.
Scene
The living room of a elegant townhouse in Georgetown, D.C.
Time
The present … or near future. Wintertime.
GUESS WHAT’S COMING TO DINNER
SETTING: A living room. Two couches face each other across a CS coffee table, on which sit two glasses of wine. A harp stands on USL. A portrait of MAURY in ambassador garb hangs above a fireplace USC.
AT RISE: HENNIE is sitting on the couch/chairs facing SL. MAURY enters from OSR and sits next to her.
MAURY
I just spoke with Jarvis. He assures me that the table is set precisely the way you like.
HENNIE
I don’t care. I’m just so excited, Maury! Our baby boy is returning home!
MAURY
It’s only for a visit, Hennie. And Benjamin’s not a baby anymore.
HENNIE
Oh, he’ll always be my baby.
MAURY
And Georgetown is not the home he grew up in.
HENNIE
Benjy grew up all over the world. His home is wherever we are.
MAURY
Well, we finally get to meet the girlfriend.
HENNIE
Not just girlfriend, Maury. Fiancée!
MAURY
Yes. “Andy,” is it?
HENNIE
“Andrea,” I think. I’m just happy he’s found someone to get him out of that cybernetics lab occasionally.
MAURY
He does seem to be doing important work, Hennie.
HENNIE
I’m certainly proud of him – nominated for a Nobel prize!
MAURY
For some breakthrough in artificial intelligence and robotics I don’t really understand.
HENNIE
But there’s more to life than work, Maury.
MAURY
Well, food, of course.
HENNIE
Just food?
MAURY
(Caressing her hair.) There is that other thing you’re so good at.
HENNIE
(Rhetorically, grinning.) Aren’t you sweet? (beat) But speaking of food, I had Bertha prepare Benjy’s favorite for dinner. Hope Andrea likes it.
MAURY
I certainly don’t.
HENNIE
Now, be nice.
MAURY
Nice? I’m a diplomat, for God’s sake?
HENNIE
Try practicing it at home for a change. And it won’t hurt you to eat something other than fish and chips for one night.
MAURY
You’re such a tease. British cuisine is too often maligned. When did we ever have fish and chips during my stint in England?
HENNIE
Well, we didn’t always have fish and chips. I think the Queen served bangers and mash once.
MAURY
Oh, you!
HENNIE
That warm beer used to make me belch during concert performances.
MAURY
I thought that was just percussion your grandfather taught you to throw into your harp playing.
HENNIE
Now who’s teasing?
(Doorbell chimes.)
HENNIE
Oh, there they are!
MAURY
(Standing and calling out toward OSL.) No, Jarvis, I’ll answer it. You can take their wraps.
(MAURY exits OSL. HENNIE stands.)
BEN (OS)
Hi, Dad!
MAURY (OS)
(Jovially.) Come on in, you two!
(MAURY, BEN, and ANDIE enter from OSL.)
HENNIE
(Throwing her arms around BEN and kissing him.) Benjy!
BEN
(Both embarrassed and enjoying the affection.) Mom.
HENNIE
(Turning to ANDIE.) And who do we have here?
BEN
Mom, Dad, here she is! Andie, allow me to introduce my parents: The Honorable Maurice Astorfeller, former Ambassador to the Court of St. James’s.
ANDIE
(She is pleasantly polite but a bit stiff.) I am honored, sir.
(She extends her hand to shake.)
MAURY
The pleasure is all mine, my dear.
(Bows and kisses the back of her hand. Then surprised by her cold hands.)
Oh. I guess it is chillier here in D.C. than you southern girls are used to.
BEN
And – the toast of Kennedy Center and Royal Festival Hall – the world-renowned harpist, Henrietta Marx.
HENNIE
(Protests, embarrassed by his effusive introduction.) Benjy!
ANDIE
Ma’am.
(She extends her hand to shake.)
HENNIE
Welcome to our humble abode, Andrea!
(Holds her arms and kisses her cheek.)
My, you are cold! Come and sit by the fire, dear.
(HENNIE sits, BEN and ANDIE sit facing her.)
BEN
Just “Andie,” Mom.
ANDIE
It is my nickname.
MAURY
Oh, from your last name. “Andropolis,” isn’t it.
BEN
Something like that.
MAURY
(To ANDIE.) What can I get you to drink, my dear?
ANDIE
Nothing, sir, thank you.
MAURY
Oh, a teetotaler, eh?
BEN
Not really, Dad.
MAURY
Freshen up your wine, my virtuoso wife?
HENNIE
(Fondly returning his teasing with her use of his honorific.) No, I’m set, your Excellency.
MAURY
(His acknowledging smile is equally fond.) Carlsberg beer for you, Benjamin?
BEN
You know me too well, Dad. (To ANDIE.) A holdover from my misspent youth in Denmark.
(MAURIE exits OSR.)
HENNIE
Hardly misspent, Benjy. You excelled at your studies at the finest high school in Copenhagen.
BEN
Ah, but those wild parties with Prince Freddie and his crowd at the Amalienborg Palace.
ANDIE
Ben, I am shocked.
HENNIE
Don’t let him fool you, Andie. I know for a fact that Queen Margrethe kept Frederik on a tight leash.
BEN
One can fantasize.
HENNIE
The two of them spent most of their free time playing video games.
BEN
Hardly “video games.” We hacked into the World Bank. How I paid my way through college.
HENNIE
There you go again. Your college tuition was a perk of your father’s office.
MAURY
(Reenters from OSR and hands BEN a beer.)
Here’s your beer, Son.
BEN
Thanks, Dad.
HENNIE
Maury, Benjy has been filling Andie’s head with tall tales of his teens.
MAURY
(Retakes his seat next to HENNIE.)
Ben’s IQ is exceeded only by his imagination. It’s why he’s so good at his work.
HENNIE
So, tell us about yourself, Andie.
ANDIE
I suppose you could say that I am in cybernetics, Mrs. Astorfeller.
HENNIE
Oh, “Henrietta,” please.
ANDIE
Thank you, Henrietta.
MAURY
Cybernetics? That’s Ben’s field.
BEN
It’s how we met, Dad. Andie is the leading practitioner of humanoid psychodynamics.
HENNIE
Whatever that is. Where are you from, Andie?
ANDIE
A small town near Durham, North Carolina.
MAURY
Research Triangle Park, where Ben works?
ANDIE
Born and raised.
HENNIE
Your parents?
BEN
Andie is an orphan, Mom.
HENNIE
Oh, I’m so sorry.
ANDIE
Don’t be. I was raised in a nurturing environment.
BEN
Hey! Enough inquisition! Why don’t you tell Andie about yourselves.
MAURY
Well, as you know, Andie, I spent my career in the diplomatic corps. After paying my dues in little more than gofer jobs at embassies and consulates in the third world, my first ambassadorial posting was in Luxemburg. From then on, I remained in Europe.
HENNIE
Tell her about that time in Norway.
MAURY
When I was presented to King Harald?
HENNIE
No, no. The sauna story.
MAURY
Oh. Well, Prime Minister Brundtland invited Hennie and me to spend the weekend at her home. It included an afternoon with her family in their sauna.
ANDIE
That sounds nice.
BEN
What he’s not telling you is that Norwegians sauna in the nude. (Laughing.) Mom and Dad were beet red even before the steam was turned up.
(MAURY and HENNIE laugh. ANDIE smiles.)
MAURY
Comes with the territory. When in Rome.
ANDIE
What about you, Henrietta? You are a classical harpist?
HENNIE
Yes. I trained at Julliard and played with the New York Philharmonic before my soloist career. (beat) I met Benjy’s father during a performance at Grand Duke Jean’s palace in Luxemburg.
MAURY
Little Prince Guillaume accidently knocked over her harp. I ran up to help her set it right again.
HENNIE
We looked into each other’s eyes…
MAURY
And well…
ANDIE
Love at first sight.
HENNIE
(HENNIE and MAURY smile at each other fondly.)
BEN
Mom, tell Andie about your grandfather.
HENNIE
Arthur?
BEN
(Scoffing.) “Arthur!” Andie, my great-grandfather was none other than Harpo Marx.
ANDIE
I am not familiar with classical musicians, Henrietta. Was this Harpo Marx also accomplished?
MAURY
(Grinning.) No, Andie. Harpo Marx of the Marx Brothers!
ANDIE
I see. You come from a musical family then.
(HENNIE and MAURY are increasingly nonplussed.)
HENNIE
Well, that’s not what he’s know for, of course. But actually, yes. Grandpa was also a fine harpist. It’s how he got his stage name.
BEN
(Steering the conversation away from ANDIE’s cluelessness.) So, what’s for dinner tonight?
HENNIE
We’re having your favorite – calamari tacos with lobster sauce.
BEN
My favorite when I was ten! You’re serving that?!
ANDIE
That is satisfactory, Ben. I shall not be eating this evening, Henrietta. Doctor’s orders.
HENNIE
Hunh?
ANDIE
Please do not worry about me. I am content just to spend time with Ben and his parents.
HENNIE
Uh … uh … I don’t know what to say.
BEN
(Abruptly.) Dad, why don’t you and Mom go see how Bertha is doing.
MAURY
Yes, Benjamin. Come, Henny.
(MAURY and HENNIE stand and exit OSR.)
ANDIE
(No longer stiff.) That was rude, Ben.
BEN
They were making you feel uncomfortable.
ANDIE
I think I was making them feel uncomfortable.
BEN
Never happen.
ANDIE
Your parents are lovely, Ben. (beat) But I don’t think they like me.
BEN
Nonsense!
ANDIE
I get so nervous meeting new people. I know I can come off as being aloof or something.
BEN
Andrea Andropopolis! You’re too self-conscious about that.
ANDIE
Sometimes I think I should have gone to finishing school instead of MIT.
BEN
Don’t be ridiculous! Immersed yourself more in pop culture than in Asimov robot stories perhaps. (beat) They were just unprepared for your not eating or drinking anything tonight.
ANDIE
I’m afraid I hurt your mother’s feelings.
BEN
What feelings?
ANDIE
Just because she delegates the cooking doesn’t mean she doesn’t take pride in her menu planning.
BEN
Don’t worry about it. She may seem soft on the outside, but inside she’s tough as nails, like Dad.
ANDIE
It’s just that I really should avoid alcohol.
BEN
I know. And I imagine that fried squid with fermented beans and garlic ginger cornstarch isn’t normally prescribed for morning sickness.
ANDIE
(Nauseated.) Not exactly. (beat) I suppose I could eat the taco shells.
BEN
(Hesitates.) Andie, I have a confession to make.
ANDIE
(Reassuring.) I know you haven’t told your parents about the pregnancy yet, Ben.
BEN
No, that’s not it. (beat) You see, those aren’t really my parents.
ANDIE
What do you mean?
BEN
In a way they are, I guess. But, actually, my parents died a few years ago.
ANDIE
But…
BEN
I missed them so much, I programmed their personalities into our first two android robots.
ANDIE
Oh! They’re so lifelike!
BEN
All thanks to your work in robopsychology! Now let’s just relax and enjoy the evening. There’s a lot more of my Mom and Dad stored in their memory banks for us to treasure – tonight and in the years to come.
(BLACKOUT)
(THE END)
Cast of Characters
(Including spoilers.)
Maury: Maurice Astorfeller – a charming 60-something retired diplomat, former U.S. Ambassador to the Court of St. James’s. Although he has an American accent, his manner is more European. It is not until his obedient last line and exit that one might suspect that he is other than what he seems.
Hennie: Henrietta Marx Astorfeller – Maury’s wife (and Harpo Marx’s granddaughter), a 60-something concert harpist, now retired from world tours. Cultured and equally charming, but more down-to-earth than her husband. They both are immensely likeable people – the parents of one’s fondest dreams. As with Maury, it is only her last line and meek exit that might make her seem a bit “off.”
Ben: Benjamin Astorfeller – their 30-something son, a brilliant cyberneticist and inventor of the first AI robot. Although he may be a “nerd” by profession, he is relaxed, self-confident, and worldly. He displays warm affection for Maury and Hennie, up until dismissing them. He remains affectionate and protective of Andie – and of his actual parents – throughout.
Andie: Andrea Andropopolis – Ben’s fiancée, a 20-something woman (ideally with a knock-out figure) with a stiff demeanor and stilted formal speech – somewhat like the Star Trek character, Data (like Data, she does not use contractions in her speech), and like Pygmalion/My Fair Lady‘s Eliza Doolittle at her first public tryout – at least for most of the play.
And that is the challenge for the actress – to give the initial impression that she might be an advanced android robot, while remaining believable as what she really is: a shy nerd who uses the crutch of polite formality to handle social interaction.
Author Bio:
Quite some time ago, Don Grimme (DonGrimme.com) earned a BA in Dramatic Arts and performed on stage in New York City and Europe, but soon discovered that a steady pay check was more conducive to his desired lifestyle. Thirty-five years later* – upon retirement from a career as a management trainer and author (e.g., The New Manager’s Tool Kit, AMACOM, 2008) – he returned to the passion of his youth: the theatre.
This time around, he has also taken up playwriting. Thus far he has created two full-length plays, five one-acts, and over two dozen shorts, many of which have been produced on stage or performed by professional actors at monthly readings. [“The 7-11 Butterfly Effect” is his first short story.]
* Yes, he is “old,” but his plays are young at heart and in mind, and contain characters of diverse ages.
HIP Literary Magazine 