Quite Literally by Mike Price (fiction)

 

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then call AAA; you’re stuck.
He who hesitates is lost. He’s up at the courtesy counter bawling his eyes out and can’t seem to remember his name. He’s about four-foot-nothin’, brown-and-brown, and if nobody claims him in the next five minutes, we’re gonna blue-light him.
Long before revenge became so popular, a gentleman by the name of Jesus-something-or-other waltzed around the middle east asking folks to turn the other cheek. One little known tidbit of trivia; he also had something to do with the invention of the dark room, but never took credit.
What does queer as a three dollar bill mean? I’ve never even seen a three dollar bill. Whose picture is on it?
Officially, you can only be considered dead as a doornail if your brain stops while getting hammered; I looked it up.
An apple a day might very well keep the doctor away, but, from experience, I know for a fact that a large garter snake works much better on elementary school teachers.
Haste makes waste. Slow down and hold it.
Recent studies have shown that 98.4% of all pennies are located on the ground. These same studies have led researchers to come to the conclusion that
by the year 2012 the sidewalks of most major metropolitan areas will be comprised primarily of copper.
Does anybody besides my Aunt Dorothy even care that a penny saved is a
penny earned?
That goes without saying. I got nothin’ here.
When the going gets tough, the tough get going. The sissies carry the beer.
Some people eat like a pig. Others eat like horses. Some peck away like birds. Sometimes pigs eat like horses but never like birds. Birds never eat like horses and eat like pigs only on major Jewish holidays. Horses? They eat everything—birds, pigs, brussel sprouts—everything.
Following extensive behavioral research in conjunction with the UCLA veterinary clinic, I have made the decision to get two or three more jobs and work like a dog for the rest of my life. I don’t know–it looks pretty easy.
My old girlfriend is as pretty as a picture. A picture of oatmeal. With raisins.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Presence, on the other hand, and in the proper company, may often lead to the heart doing a few cartwheels on the lawn, and with pretty good form at that.
If ignorance is bliss why am I so depressed lately? I’ve been playing dumb for a number of years now and, frankly, I’m starting to get a bit antsy. I’ve decided to give this naïve act one last shot but if I’m not feeling pretty damned blissful in about a week or so, I’m going to start paying attention again.
Opportunity knocks but once. Then it rings the doorbell. Sometimes it tries to jimmy the lock. But if you wait long enough, you won’t have to buy anything, and opportunity will eventually go home and crash in front of the tube, just like the rest of us.
If, by chance, you happen to live next door to a discount dry cleaning joint, you do not have to look before you leap.
I will not be hornswoggled. I’m very firm on that. It sounds bad.
Cervantes, who once said, “There is no proverb that is not true,” got up early every Saturday morning to watch Gumby. True.
A few years ago one of my best friends lost his life while serving his country. There was a big lawsuit. The jurors went back and forth for days, unable to get together on more than two or three thoughts in a row. Finally, it was official: my buddy served on a hung jury. It was sad. He had a lovely wife and a couple of kids.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Translation? Aw, what the hell, I’m here…
I read an article in the dentist’s office the other day which claimed that, in the months of July and August, it is actually cooler in Barstow and Baker than it is in Hades. I don’t recall where Hades is. It must be hotter than hell in Hades.
To whoever keeps letting the cat out of bag: clean it up already. Ish.
Pssst. McGarrett. Over here. Yeah, y’know that proof you were looking for? It’s not in the pudding. Oh, one more thing; Chin Ho went home to take a shower.
If you’ve ever seen anyone three sheets to the wind you can no doubt appreciate why there is no such thing as getting four sheets to the wind.
A winner never quits and a quitter never wins. And one of them drinks a helluva lot of Lite beer but I can never remember which one it is.
If money is the root of all evil, is it really such a great idea to let our conscience’ be our guides?
There is nothing slower than molasses in January. I know this because, when Aunt Dorothy isn’t saving pennies, she likes to bake cookies in the snow.
What you don’t know can’t hurt you. I say, “I dunno,” all the time and I still seem to get dinged up quite a bit.
A brief historical note: every time Teddy Roosevelt whispered something to his wife, all his top aides in the administration took off.
Don took Stephie to the drive-in. Stephie said she didn’t like the movie at all and promptly confessed all her sexual fantasies to Don, who graciously forgave her on the spot. Again and again Don forgave Stephie. Then he forgot where he put her number. Forgive and forget…
It was Ben Franklin who said, “Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.” A little known fact: ol’ Ben never dated any woman more than once.
And, of course, the ends justify the means. And you know what that means…
THE END
…yeah, neither do I.
Widely published in literary journals, Michael Price has been writing fiction for over 30 years. He earned his BA in Theater from the University of Minnesota in 1980 and performed his own one-man one-act play “No Change of Address” to considerable acclaim at the 2011 MN Fringe Festival.

 

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